Growing up.

Growing up sucks. Not all kisses are magical and most boys don't live up to your expectations. But there are times when everything, I mean love, romance, relationships, it all falls together perfectly and it's incredible. It's those moments, no matter how depressingly few and far between them, that make growing up worth it.

Passionate Faith

Today on my way home from work as I drove down the highway, I stopped at a red light. I turned to look out my window and saw street evangelists lining the road with their Bibles and signs quoting scripture, screaming at the public to turn to Christ. As I drove away I started to think about how that probably wasn't the best way to witness to people and win them for Christ. No sooner had the thought entered my head that another one immediately followed. It was like God was saying to me, "Rachel these people are so passionate about Me and are willing to be ridiculed and made fun of for My name sake. What are YOU doing for Me, to win people for the kingdom, where is your passion"? Ouch! What a reality check! What was I doing for Christ?! Though personally, street witnessing may not be my calling, I have such an opportunity everyday to let the love of God shine through me. At work, it is so easy to get into a bad mood and have a not-so-Christian attitude. However, being a child of the kingdom, I am held to a higher standard to set the example, to be the light in a place so overcome by darkness. Seeing those people on the street today brought me back to reality; a call i really needed. I encourage you to live everyday with that passion for Christ, that absolute, all-consuming desire for the cross. After all, He had such unconditional love toward us while we were still unwilling to hear, like so many of those people driving by. The Lord, like those street evangelists, is screaming at His people to turn and run to Him. So what will we do; will we just drive by? I encourage you to step up wherever you are in everyday life and take advantage of your situation. You never know what might happen.

Wrap it up.

Well, it ended.

California in all its Murrieta glory was over in an instant; February through April came and went. By the time May rolled around, I was ready to get home. I was missing that gulf coast part of me, and I never thought I would. The choice to go to CCBC wasn't made because I was yearning for the Lord or even because I thought it would be fun. I decided to go because I thought it would make my parents happy. The thing is, I never thought it would change my life in all the ways it did. Looking back to that cold January day when I first set foot on that campus, I had no idea what God had in store for me. Over the next 3 months i would come to realize so much about who I was as a person and who God was as my savior.

Through brokenness and heartache, I learned that it's not about what I was doing with my life or what profession I would choose, it was about one thing and one thing only. All that the Lord cared about was my heart. In classes I finally acquired that "revelation knowledge" that allowed me to see all the Lord had done for me and how much He really loves me. Things that I had "known" all my life suddenly clicked. It's like I was waking up for the first time and I couldn't get enough of life. I know now that the things that I have done don't define me and that I am not my past. I know that I am made so perfect in the sight of the Lord and that He sees me as such because He has washed me of everything I have ever done. I understand now that condemnation is not a trait of God and that He has already buried my crimes. I can rest assuredly in the truth that my salvation is secure and my name is written in His book. I can now rely on the undeniable fact that I am covered by grace because of His sacrifice.

I've made so many bad choices in my past; knowingly turning from good and choosing to do wrong. I won't get into it, but the list goes on and on. But putting all that aside, if I have made one good choice, it was going to California that day in January. I didn't go for the right reason, but once I got there, the Lord took hold of my life. He opened my eyes to all I was doing and truly broke me in every area of my life. I learned what it meant to surrender and wait on Him, and what a hard lesson it was. You see, the Lord isn't finished with me yet. He has so much planned on this journey ahead. I am still learning what a blessing it is to be able to walk with the Lord, and I can't wait to see what else He has in store for my life.

As this chapter of my life ends, a new one begins. A new season of learning and growing and falling more in love with my creator. It's one more season I get to worship and glorify the name of my God. A time that I can take what I have learned and apply it and pour out onto this gulf coast town I call home. See, God is just getting started with me. Just wait and see:)

2Cor. 12:9

"My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

His name.

Why am I so afraid of the night
A silhouette it taunts me
My lack of faith in this beautiful life
My knowing of it haunts me
I'm haunted
And I know I should be afraid
Lay awake at night
Cry and know it's not alright
To feel like your falling into nothing
You can learn to fly
Just call His name
Just call His name
Suddenly I wonder why I feel so alone
I know there's something out there
Thought I'd suck it up and do it all on my own
Wish I'd known he does care
I'm hanted
And I know I should be afraid
Lay awake at night
Cry and know it's not alright
To feel like your falling into nothing
You can learn to fly
Just call His name
Just call His name
Wherever we go
Call out His name
Lift up our hands
Completely ashamed
Give it all up
Dropping our pride
Rip us apart
Change us on the inside
We cry out to You
We fall
Change us please
Lay awake at night
Cry and know it's not alright
To feel like your falling into nothing
You can learn to fly
Cry and know it's not alright
To feel like your falling into nothing
You can learn to fly
Cry and know it's not alright
You can learn to fly

He is we. His Name.

This is life.

After being at Bible College for the past few months, my life is different. In every aspect, I am different. My life has drastically changed through the environment I am placed in, the people I am around, and the knowledge I am constantly being fed. The Lord is truly great. He restores, heals, and renews more than you or I could every imagine or truly understand. At the time I came to be here, at CCBC, I was so broken in every portion of my little life. Physically, emotionally, spiritually, I was crushed beyond belief. Decisions that I had made in my life and situations I had put myself through, took a toll on me; and while I suffered, so did my relationship with my First Love. Dwindling to just short of nothing, I had walked away from Truth, from Hope, from the Promises i had once clung to with everything. I was captured by condemnation with no visible way of escape. I truly believed the lies Satan fed me; that the Lord couldn't use me, that He didn't want my heart, that I was too far gone. I remember waking up one morning thinking, it shouldn't be this hard, that life shouldn't hurt this much. Yet no one knew the hurt I felt because I hid it so well. I would put on the face, the lie, and go about my day. This continual process sucked everything out of me. Joy and hope were things of distant memories never to be toyed with again; or so I thought.

What I have learned, more than anything, is that the Lord LOVES YOU! I will say it again, He Loves you so much. No matter where you have been, or how far you have wandered, He has been there right behind you. All you have to do is turn around, and He is right there. You see, God has such a wonderful, divine plan for you. He wants to use the mistakes and the failures and the brokenness in your life to fulfill His works. In this way, His glory is manifested. I remember the day everything started to click for me, to really make sense. I had grown up "knowing" the Word, knowing what is said, but I never really had revelation knowledge. My Romans teacher, Dave Shirley, taught in a way I had never heard before. For me, it was like I was hearing brand new information. He taught that we, as God's children, were in Christ at the time of His crucifixion. We get this act of incredible love credited to our account. See, in the Lord's eyes, we can NEVER be as guilty as His Son. His perfect Son who took on the sins of the world to be judged for us. How mind-blowing is it to think that the Lord sees us s worthy? Okay, I'm getting off on a tangent. Here is the overview of what I am trying to convey here; Jesus took on the sin of the world, past, present, and future. The Lord judged Him and poured out His wrath until He was satisfied. Here's the crazy part, we can never be as guilty as Jesus. Never. Because we have the ultimate price paid by Christ credited to our accounts, we can never be condemned. How ultimately sweet is that?!?!

Dave Shirley said in that same class that, we are never more right with the Lord than right now. This very moment, He sees you as purified, justified, sanctified, and being glorified. That is truly amazing. It rocked my world! See, I had never been taught no condemnation in Christ, so to think that despite all my screw-ups, He still could use me, was mesmerizing. I started thinking, if you really know and understand His perfect love for you, how can you not want to share that?! Through many more classes like this one and truly grasping just a hint God's endless love, I have been restored. He has changed my life dramatically. In my brokenness, He was my healing, in my sorrow, my joy, and in my weakness, my strength. I have learned that the things we have done do not define us. Our pasts are not who we are. We are pure. We are righteous. We are exactly what He wants to use. So this is life. Beautiful redeemed, forgiven life. In the joy, in the sorrow, in the darkness, and in the light, He is with you always!

2 Corinthians 12:9

My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in your weakness.

West coast.

For those of you who don't know, I am presently residing on the west coast. Yes, California. I am attending the Calvary Chapel Bible College in Murrieta California. It was a very last-minute decision and not that any people were informed. So, no you didn't miss anything, I just didn't tell anyone. After this past semester ended, I felt left with no direction, lacking motivation. I had no drive to do anything and no desire to keep going to school. In short, I was drained; physically, mentally, and spiritually. My parents suggested I go to Bible College for a semester to refresh and get a glimpse of what God has for my life. So at the last possible minute, as always, I applied and to my surprise, was accepted. So no more than two weeks later, I was on a plane on my way here, to California. At this season in my life, I chose to sanctify my life. Set it apart and let God do what He will. So much has happened to me in the past few years. I've done a lot of growing up, a lot of walking away. It's far beyond the time to come back, to fall back in love with my Creator. To grow so passionate once again about my first Love, the Lord! The Murrieta campus is truly sanctified from the world. You can feel God on every inch of the grounds. Such a peace is present in every building, every room. It's truly refreshing. The Lord knows what we need far beyond any of our expectations. Although we think we know what we need, God has so much more than we could dream. I've only been here a few days, but spending time in the Word on a constant basis has already effected my life. I can't wait to see what the Lord has in store for me this semester. I know it will exceed all of my expectations!

Until then,

Rachel

It's just the beginning.

2011. It's here. Long-awaited, and it came too quickly. 2010 was a year packed full of everything life could bring. The good and the bad, this past year was emotional, stressful, beautiful, full of change, and realization of many things. It seems like as I grow up, each year passes more quickly. Time seems to fly by me and sometimes I feel as if I blink, I will miss it. Whatever "it" is. 2010 brought a lot my way and at times I felt as if life handed me too much.

In the past year I've learned that people are just people. They let you down, change their minds, grow up, grow apart, disappoint and hurt you. People are just that, people. Imperfect, human, incapable of perfection. I've learned to not hold people to a standard that they are unable to reach. I'm not saying that we shouldn't have faith in people, but simply that to not expect everything all the time. I've realized that God is the only one that without fail, will never disappoint you, let you down, or leave you for anything. He will never change, He will never stop loving you.

On a more positive note, I've also grown closer to some people. Some friendships have become stronger, some relationships solidified. I've learned that it's okay to open up to people, to let them in a little. For the longest time, I was so afraid to let people in for fear of being hurt. When you let a person really know you, you are vulnerable; and that scared me. However, there have been a few people that do truly know me, and I think that has made all the difference. Those few relationships have made me a stronger person, have helped me grow up, and move past all the crap that sometimes comes. I've learned that although people may hurt you, that is not all they are capable of. They encourage you, love you, hold your hand when you need it, and can help you get through some of the hardest times. I'm so thankful that God has put the people in my life that He did. Though it has not been without a few falls, my life has become fuller through it all.

So now for the future. 2011 holds so much for me, I'm sure. Good, bad, lovely, and so much more. This year, I want to begin to figure out who I really am supposed to be. What God has for my life is sure to be radical and better than anything I could hope for. This year is just the beginning. My life is just getting started. Things are going to change, I can feel it. I can't wait to experience this life with all that it has to offer. I know it won't all be easy, because my life never is, but in the end, it will be so worth it. This year will go by faster than the one before and I intend to suck every moment out of it that I can. For now, enjoy the newness of the year, because it's just the beginning.

Remade.

There's a girl in the corner
With tear stains on her eyes
From the places she's wandered
And the shame she can't hide

She says, "How did I get here?
I'm not who I once was.
And I'm crippled by the fear
That I've fallen too far to love"

But don't you know who you are,
What's been done for you?
Yeah don't you know who you are?

You are more than the choices that you've made,
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create,
You've been remade.

Well she tries to believe it
That she's been given new life
But she can't shake the feeling
That it's not true tonight

She knows all the answers
And she's rehearsed all the lines
And so she'll try to do better
But then she's too weak to try

But don't you know who you are?

You are more than the choices that you've made,
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create,

You've been remade.

You are more than the choices that you've made,
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create,
You've been remade.

'Cause this is not about what you've done,
But what's been done for you.
This is not about where you've been,
But where your brokenness brings you to

This is not about what you feel,
But what He felt to forgive you,
And what He felt to make you loved.

You are more than the choices that you've made,
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create,
You've been remade.

You are more than the choices that you've made,
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create,
You've been remade.

You've been remade
You've been remade.
You've been remade.
You've been remade.

One season.

Be careful not to judge someone based on one season in their life.

I read this somewhere the other day and it really resonated with me. How often we so quickly judge someone because of their present situation or because of one choice they make. We don't know their story or situation, yet we feel that we have the authority to judge them. We have all made bad choices, and we all will continue to at one time or another. How fortunate we are to have a God that forgives us and doesn't hold against us the wrong things we do. How can we take that grace and turn around and make assumptions about someone else? It doesn't seem fair now that you think about it, huh? We pass the homeless person on the road and assume they made choices that got them there, that it was their fault. This is not always the case. People end up in situations that they could not control all the time. I know that I have judged people for the situation they are in or because of a decision they made. My heart overflows when I think about how blessed i am that the Lord hasn't changed His opinion of me because of stupid things I have done, or choices I have made. How undeserving I am of love so great, so pure and relentless. I hope that we will all take a step back before we judge a person. Think about what choices you have made and how the Lord has forgiven you for them. Don't assume you know the story, because in all honesty, you probably don't. Love people because God tells us to. Remember, He loved you first.

Plans.

If I ever left this town
I’d never settle down
I’d just be wandering around
If I ever left this town

If I wasn’t by your side
I’d never be satisfied
Nothin’ would feel just right
If I wasn’t by your side

‘Cause I’m not easy to understand
But you know me like the back of your hand
I’m your girl and you’re my man
And we’re makin’ plans

We can go on and on
Won’t ever feel too long
I’ll always call you home
And we’ll go on and on

‘Cause I know you like the back of my hand
Got a heart of gold and a piece of land
I’m your girl and you’re my man
And we’re makin’ plans

ell-oh-vee-ee.

Love is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake and then subsides. And when it subsides, you have to make a decision. You have to work out weather your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever be apart. Because that's what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not promulgation of promises of eternal passion. That is just being "in love", which any of us can convince ourselves we are. Love itself is what is left over after being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident.

You can't explain love. It just is. You can't capture it or bottle it up. It isn't for resale. You have to experience love to know and truly understand why it is people desire it so deeply.

Happy birthday to you.

Happy birthday to you! You know who you are. :) You are one of my closest friend and I love you dearly. Over the years we have changed. We have grow up, matured, become real adults in the world. So much has happened in our lives in the time we have been friends. Together we have learned that life is truly amazing. We have graduated into the next phases of life together. We have had our fallouts, but through it all, we have remained strong. Our friendship has become more than just sleepovers and shopping trips. We have come to counsel one another, to be there through the hard times. We have fallen, but also held each other accountable. Our views of the world and of life have shifted dramatically in these past few years. I look back at those two girls sometimes, and wonder where they went. How quickly we have grown up. It's so amazing to me that God knows exactly what we need. He brought us together at just the right time, and look at how far we have come. One minute we are jumping up and down in the salad station, and the next we are 3 years older. It seems as if I blinked and everything changed. We have discovered so much about ourselves and life over our coffee dates. So often, I thank God for you. You have been there for me in so many hard times and helped me through years of trials. You are such a genuine person with a beautiful spirit. You have become a confidant woman full of energy and joy. I am so thankful that I am able to be a part of your life and even more so that you are a part of mine. God has given you so many talents and it's so neat to see Him working through you. Looking back, I don't know what I would have done without you in the past few years. We continue to grow, both together, and apart. Our lives are just beginning. God has so much in store for both you and I, and I can't wait to see what we can accomplish. You have been so available to me, and I just want to thank you. I love you so much and I can't believe you are 23 today! Happy birthday!

I will follow.

All your ways are good
All your ways are sure
I will trust in you alone
Higher than my side
High above my life
I will trust in you alone

Where you go, I'll go
Where you stay, I'll stay
When you move, I'll move
I will follow you
Who you love, I'll love
How you serve I'll serve
If this life I lose, I will follow you
I will follow you

Light unto the world
Light unto my life
I will live for you alone
You're the one I seek
Knowing I will find
All I need in you alone, in you alone

In you there's life everlasting
In you there's freedom for my soul
In you there joy, unending joy
and I will follow

In all honesty.

In all honesty, I'm uncertain.

I change my mind so often. I'm flighty, I would say. I get bored easily, but commit whole-heartedly when I mean it. Sometimes too soon. Often I invest all of me into something far too early, too quickly. In all honesty, I'm extremely trusting. Even when people don't deserve it. I let myself get involved, and become vulnerable. Then, I get hurt. In all honesty, I have a heart for people. I tend to feel so much for someone that I can't keep it hidden. I love words. This may sound redundant, but in all fairness, words are so beautiful. So much power is in words. They can break your heart, confuse you, and enrapture your attention. Words can intoxicate you. In all honesty, I believe words carry so much weight, it's overwhelming. Have you ever read something, a poem or letter, that left you breathless? I feel that perhaps, at some point, life will leave us the same way; breathless, mystified, and in awe. Life, people say, is something to be cherished and shared. I do not disagree with this, however, there are a few things I believe should be added. Life is simple in the most complex of ways. It is beautiful and intricate in each part. Each life has a purpose. People say life is too short. I think that life is exactly the amount of time that is needed. Life is truly something. Soak in the moments, they will soon be a memory.

In all honesty, I think people are too consumed.

Consumed in themselves, in work, in the world. When your mind is so full of material thoughts, there is rarely room for what is really important. People spend their time searching for something, anything to fill the emptiness. The void inside them yearning to be whole. People jump from job to job, place to place, thing to thing waiting to be happy. In all honesty, nothing will satisfy. No amount of stuff, or money, or power will ever be enough. For a while, there might be a fullness, but eventually, the void starts to form again. Again, we search for something. At what point will we wake up, at what point do we realize? He is the only one that satisfies, the only thing that will not leave you feeling empty over time. We can keep searching, but in all honesty, there is none other. He is the answer to every problem, every desire, every heartache.

In all honesty, people aren't perfect.

Who can say otherwise? We can't expect them to be, or we undoubtedly will come up broken. I cannot expect to never be hurt, or to be not betrayed by another. This is in the simplest word, life. However, do not stop trusting. Do not stop loving, do not stop pursuing. Be there for people. Use what you have in this life to accomplish dreams. Do not be discouraged if you fall; we all stumble. Keep forgiving. Don't ever lose hope. Remember that love conquers all. Above all, know that He is always waiting to restore, to fill, to enrapture in love.

Oh, how He loves us so.

The other night I was driving home. It was around 8 o'clock and I was nearly home when I saw something fluffy on the side of the road. I looked over and there was a baby kitten curled up into a ball right there next to the street. I freaked out a little bit and was so afraid it would get hit, so I turned my car around and rushed back to get it. I picked up this little ball of fur and took her home with me. This kitty was so helpless and it made me sad to think that if I hadn't picked her up, she more than likely would have gotten run over. I immediately started obsessing over this kitty and named her Sophie. I went out that same night and bought kitten food. Trying to figure out what to do with Sophie was so frustrating because I knew I couldn't keep her. I was ever so quickly growing attached to Sophie. I ended up keeping her for about 5 days before I gave her to a no-kill cat shelter. It surprised me how much I had grown to love Sophie in the very short time I had her.

The experience reminded me of how God figuratively picked us up off the side of the road and saved us. Without Him, we wouldn't be where we are. It also gave me a little glimpse into God's love as well. How much I loved that little kitty isn't even a fraction of how much God loves us. His love is eternal and omnipresent. It's so comforting to know that the love God has for us is unwavering and unconditional. On this journey of life that we all take part in, we stumble every now and again. It's inevitable as the rain. We make mistakes that we would give anything to undo, but that doesn't change how God feels about us. He knows our heart. He knows who were, who we are, and who we are to be, and loves us anyway. How awesome! At some point, we all find ourselves on the side of the road, helpless and alone. Without hesitation, our Father scoops us up and pours out His love; the same way I did with Sophie. I hope you experience God's great love for you, for it's truly intoxicating.

New Beginnings.

I've grown up everywhere, and it's truly been an experience. My dad was in the military so my family would move every two or three years. When I was younger, I hated this tedious and seemingly horrible process of leaving it all behind and starting over. Looking back though, I am so thankful for the opportunities given to me by moving so much that I wouldn't have had otherwise. Every few years I was able to start over; I was given a new beginning. New friends, a new house, a new school, I had the possibility to become whomever I wanted. Moving so often has had such a profound impact on my life and has definitely shaped a big part of the person I am today. By being shoved into adapting to a new life very quickly, I can cope extremely well with change; something that can be very difficult for some. Now that I have grown up, I find myself getting restless, waiting on change. It seems ironic that I crave newness, when not so long ago, I tried so hard to keep things from changing. It seems as though just as I immerse myself into something new and exciting, it loses its novelty and I begin to long for something different.

I have recently moved out on my own and it has been one incredible ride. I remember being so excited to move out, to have a place all my own that I could fill with anything I wanted. Now that I am here, the excitement fades away little by little. I have all these dreams of new beginnings that I don't quite know where to start. I'm beginning to think that in longing for something new, I miss out on what is happening now, right in front of me. I half expect something to change, and half want it to. It's a process that never seems to quit, but I'm not so sure I want it to . Life is full of change; it's inevitable. New beginnings come with each morning and the opportunity to follow them is right in front of us. It's just a matter of deciding which things are worth changing. This chapter of my life is just beginning, while another is ending. I hope to uncover secrets and learn more about what the Lord has planned for my life. For now though, I want to enjoy the newness of the moment and not let it escape me. I hope you'll do the same.

-Rachel Grace